I Am a Divine & Infinite Being
...
but I spent the majority of my life thinking I was nothing. no one. it didn’t matter how I felt. what I said. what I did. my life was already planned out for me. struggle every day. work to survive. hate yourself. get married. have kids. suffer through the mundane. die with regret.
bleak, I know.
but I know I’m not the only one who thought this, witnessed this, believed this.
we are taught from a young age that we are expected to do x, y, z. the same way our parents did. & their parents did.
men do this.
women do that.
because someone said so.
we are told that to get anything good in life we have to suffer. that money buys happiness & skinny buys peace. that success is the goal & self-love... well it isn’t even part of the conversation.
but deep down we all know this is false. we feel the disconnect. yet we continue to live in a reality created to keep us small. keep us in line. obeying. in fear.
& so we live in a box built for us by those who want nothing more than our work our energy our time.
we live in this box locked on all sides — not knowing that we are the ones who hold the key.
I don’t remember the exact moment I realized I outgrew my box — the bitchy judgmental athletic fitness-obsessed box. but I came to this realization through journaling. seeing my truth before me on the paper.
I realized that I didn’t just outgrow my old box — but that I didn’t want a new one.
I was done with boxes. with being defined.
so I decided to explore. I got curious. I can’t love myself if I don’t know myself. so, who am I? what do I like? what makes me, me?
I journaled. meditated. leaned into my spirituality. I found ways to express myself — through words through feelings through connection.
& that is how my page came to be. this is the most powerful way for me to express myself. my soul my passion my heart my essence.
it’s a day-by-day discovery. leaning into what makes me feel warm, juicy, excited.
taking aligned action after aligned action.
it’s the curiosity that keeps me free. from society’s expectations. from any god damn box. always growing. always evolving. becoming — me.
I fully embody the divinity within me.
I honor my femininity. I honor my masculinity. I honor the dance between the two. I channel these energies to accomplish my goals with ease.
I embody the flow of the divine feminine to expand my consciousness. to let my intuition be my guide. to connect, share, nurture, create & love.
I embody the strength of the divine masculine to help me get where I am going. to assess take risks to be bold, daring, fearless & focused.
I am in a place now, where these two energies are harmonized.
but for many years — the only energy I embodied was masculine.
it was the years of being an athlete & living in a world filled with toxic masculinity & the stories passed along of women who were weak or weird or crazy for honoring their essence, for flowing through life with emotion & expression leading the way — that pushed me to shut off my femininity. to hide it. suppress it. ignore it.
on the field, in the weight room, the locker room — there is no space, no place, no time — for femininity. there are no tears. no emotions other than aggression, angst, anger, determination, logic & competitiveness. you do more you push harder you block out the pain, the heartbreak, the longing & you get shit done.
&& OH BOY was I good at it. shutting off. numbing. pushing. fighting. I loved it. I lived it. I breathed it.
but I took this with me. it didn’t stay on the field. it became my presence. my energy.
I was known as cold, intimidating, bitter, bitchy, judgmental.
I lacked compassion, empathy, forgiveness.
& so I struggled. I struggled to feel confident in my body. in my knowing — my intuition. I didn’t feel confident sexually — with myself or with partners. I didn’t like who I was because I was ignoring the largest part of who I am — a divine being.
I had myself convinced that no matter how much I longed to feel sexy powerful confident — it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
but after years of inner work — prioritizing acceptance & compassion, I finally accept that I am without a doubt — a sexual sensual sultry goddess. & I will continue to do the work. to honor my divinity. no matter how hard it feels.
I hope you'll join me.
Sending my love, always.
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