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Self Love Ch. 1 - My Body Is A Gift

MY BODY IS A GIFT

but I didn’t always treat it that way. for years I abused it. talked down to it. punished it with my words with sprints with weights with food or lack thereof. I lived in a reality that was chosen for me. by society. by the patriarchy. the misogyny. by those who profit off of women living in fear.


I would wake up each morning lift my shirt & see if my stomach was flat enough to eat the yolks of my eggs. to determine if I would do 30 or 45 minutes of cardio after an hour of weights & 15 minutes of abs.


I would look at myself in the mirror & curse my legs. they were too short. too muscular. I cursed the skin on my stomach my back my face my arms. too bumpy. too flabby. I cursed my breasts. too small. too ordinary.


I spent the first 24 years of my life at war with my body.


when I forced it to run to jump to lift to push & it did everything I asked — I told my body it still wasn’t good enough. it wasn’t losing the weight I wanted in the place I needed. I wasn’t working out for fun. this wasn’t for nourishment. my body didn’t deserve that. not until the weight was lost the skin was clear the clothes fit & I could look in the mirror without breaking.


I moved my body to sweat off the shame. I dressed my body to cover up the lack. I spoke to my body to judge to pick apart to get the message across that it still wasn’t enough.


&& day after day I wondered why. why isn’t my body doing what I want it to? why can’t I just be thinner but also curvy but also strong but also lean?


I cried through my nights & smiled through my days. I binged I purged I pushed I broke I shattered over & over & over.


I lived my life in the vibration of shame. of judgment. of guilt. of fear.


until one day. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was slowly, but surely — killing myself. I was lifeless. a shell of a human disguised as someone who loved health & fitness.


I didn’t know what to do. how to heal. to repair the damage from a decade of hate & self-loathing.



but I decided to try. I decided to choose again, this time with love > fear.


and that one simple choice to lead with love, is what got me here today. posting photos that make me feel vulnerable — knowing the fear is the contrast & it is up to me to choose again.


so today I choose truth. acceptance. fearlessness.


self-love is not something to be accomplished. there is no finish line. no end to the journey. it is an everyday every moment intention.


my sister & I planned this photoshoot, the goal being to capture my sexy, sultry feminine energy.


but I struggle to get my picture taken. I don’t feel confident in front of a camera when it’s posed. when it’s trying to capture something deeper.


I feel vulnerable. exposed. like all of my insecurities are out on display.


I have worked towards accepting my beauty. I am in a place where I honor & love my physical body for all it is.


call me beautiful?

I will say thank you.


call me sexy?

my stomach will flip & I will turn red. because, no.


sexy?

I know what sexy looks like & I don’t meet the quota.


sexy?

no, never heard of her.


these photos capture the insecurities that have been lying dormant within me. I was nervous for the shoot but had no idea I would begin to break down on camera.



I sat on the bed. , I posed, I breathed —

& then felt pain in my chest & tears in my eyes.


why was this so hard? why do I feel gross. ugly. worthless — wrapped inside a sheet in my bare skin?


but, I knew why.


I have a deep-seated belief that I am not someone who could ever be sexy. sensual. sultry. I am an athlete. a tomboy. I’m hard not soft I’m tough, not tender I’m cute, not hot.


what you see here is me, breaking. wiping my tears & trying to choose again.


because even though I wholeheartedly love myself —

I have more to heal. I always will.


we ended the shoot & said we would try again. I got in the shower & cried it out.




I placed my hand on my heart & told myself it’s okay to struggle.


it’s okay that choosing again feels hard. I have all the time I need to do the work. to heal. to release. to emerge new.


I spent all last week digging into this. & while I’m still struggling — I’m back in alignment with love, with a new shoot to prove it.



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