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October 29, 2021

a sunrise swim in early october. a morning I’ll never forget.

because until this moment I hadn’t felt the true gravity of my dis-ease. I wasn’t fully aware of how disconnected I was from my self, my core, my being.

I feel as though I’ve been treading water for all of 2021. just going back & fourth — between being taken under by a wave, pulled into the rip tide && coming up for air.

& in those moments when I break free from the oceans grasp, when I finally break through the waters surface emerging for my inhale — I catch myself attaching to the idea that I’ve made it. that the storm has passed. only calm waters from here on out. I kick & bob & tread & do all I can to prevent going back under.

but as most of us know, the universe, more often than not, has other plans.

because a life without waves, a life without contrast — it doesn’t give us an opportunity to grow stronger. wiser. it doesn’t provide the catalyst for clarity.

this, I know.

but on that early october morning as I let the push & pull of the tide take me where it may — I realized that I’ve spent so much time trying to keep my head above water that I lost sight of the bigger picture.

I’ve spent so much time this year fighting. to be okay. to be better. to be less anxious more happy less dark more light to have less lows & more highs. I attached outcome to my self care practices. I placed expectations on my time. & because if this, I robbed myself of presence. of my ability to be in the now. to feel true contentment. to allow the contrast to wash over me, showing me what I need to see.

& so today, after 21 days off of social media, after a week in florida, a week at my parents, after 21 days of ups downs highs lows & everything between I finally see that the point is not to wish the waves away.

it’s to let them take me where I am meant to go.

it’s surrendering. it’s presence. it’s returning to love.

idk where I’m headed next, but I do know that I’m finally ready to enjoy the ride.


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