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October 2, 2020

what I now call a gift, used to be my biggest burden — I cannot suppress my emotions. I feel them. so, damn deeply. I’ve been this way since I was little. there is no slapping a smile on. there is no “wait for a good time.” when I feel something, I wear it. it consumes me.

for years this got me into trouble. I couldn’t fake nice. I couldn’t pretend things were fine if they weren’t. & I hated anyone who tried to tell me to hurry up & get over it. because, I couldn’t. I walked around wearing my anger. wearing my rage.

until, I learned how to numb it.

my eating disorder was a gnarly one. it was my way of taking back control. it was how I avoided feeling my feelings. my ED allowed me to disassociate myself from what was going on in my head by beating up my body.

the road to recovery isn’t easy. you have to learn to trust yourself again. to look at your shit in the eye even as you are filled with fear — & choose to live.

I know it sounds dramatic, but when you are in the depths of an ED you are merely surviving.

this ability to feel my feelings so deeply, & my inability to suppress them without relying on my ED, social media, alcohol or drugs — turned out to be the key to my healing.

feeling my feels at all times is what accelerated my healing journey. it’s what allows me to continue shedding, rebuilding & emerging as the next best version of myself.

this past weekend in montauk I had waves of emotion hit me like a truck. so, I gave in. I cried watching the sunset & walked away with a smile. feeling closer to myself than before.

yesterday, after an argument with casey — one that was crucial for our growth together, sent me into an emotional tailspin. I needed to re-evaluate. I needed to re-prioritize. I needed to let things go. I needed to sink back into my feelings yet again, to see what lay there.

so, I let them wash over me. I cried. I journaled. I gave in. I surrendered. I emerged — new ✨

our feelings serve a purpose. so, ask yourself this — what is your relationship to your emotions? do you run from them? suppress them? downplay them?

lean in. get to know yourself. because the only way out, is through 🕊🕊🕊


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