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November 30, 2020

the week after a holiday can be tough. even if you did the work to put guilt & anxiety aside — you may find them creeping back in. these feelings are resilient. they fight to be felt. they claw for attention.

I battle extreme anxiety after the holidays. I feel “off” my game. scattered. unorganized. my digestion is off I’m bloated, tired & my to do list feels like a weight on my chest.

this led to last night’s panic attack.

what started as an overreaction to something casey said soon turned into me fighting to breathe. my thoughts began their attack. telling me I’m worthless. I’ll never be good enough. I’m too stupid. too ordinary. not pretty enough not skinny enough. that all the work I’ve done means nothing because yet again I’m caught in the darkness. who am I kidding acting like I’m healed? & who the fck is @realwithemma anyway?

eventually I found my breath. curdled in a ball on casey’s lap. something I never thought I’d do — accept help. but what he told me soothed my nerves & gave me the strength to choose again.

when I told him how disappointed I was in myself — he reminded me that the holidays are stressful and what I need most is compassion. when I told him I feel like I’ve barely scraped the surface in healing & becoming my best self, that there is still so much work to be done — he reminded me where I started. that the journey is the best part. that we all have lows & this is what makes the highs so great.

last night casey did for me what I wasn’t strong enough to do. I pride myself on doing everything on my own — because somewhere along the way I associated needing help with weakness.

but last night helped to change that. it reminded me that even the healed need healing. that asking for help & accepting it with grace doesn’t make you weak it makes you strong. that letting our emotions come through no matter how painful is the key to growth.

so my friends, if you’re finding it hard to find your breath this week just remember — even though it may hurt, the only way out - is through 🕊🕊🕊


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