confidence in my femininity is not something that comes easily to me. but having confidence in my masculinity is a breeze. it’s how I survived for so many years.
I preferred to be hard cold tough. to keep my walls up & teeth clenched. I knew my energy heavily influenced the people around me so I used it to keep myself safe. I was intimidating. bitchy. sarcastic. I kept people at an arms length. because this kept me in control. feeling like I had the power. I wouldn’t give people the satisfaction of making me happy because I thought it made me look weak. so I stayed grounded in the masculine. & this is what allowed me to excel at sports. to push myself to work harder better faster. to compete to be the best. & after college it became my drive to workout to diet to count to measure to weigh.
in my masculine energy, I was confident. but this kind of confidence only got me so far.
because off of the playing field & outside the weight room I could feel myself searching. wanting so desperately to be confident. because confidence is sexy. but I didn’t know what it felt like to be sexy. because I closed myself off to the femininity within me. I didn’t let people see that part of me. because in my mind embracing the feminine = weakness.
for years I struggled. wanting to be the girl who was light bright soft gentle warm & inviting. but not knowing how. or if it was safe. if I would be accepted. if it was possible.
the past few years have been a whirlwind. deep diving into my shadows. doing work on parts of myself I never knew existed.
like — my femininity.
one year ago I chose to search for her. & even though she was lost shunned abandoned — she willingly came to the surface. with so much grace. so much love. forgiveness. understanding.
she still struggles though. with fear of judgement. am I accepted? am I seen? am I loved?
I am choosing patience with this. with her. with grounding myself into the feminine. accepting when she feels insecure. scared. shy…
because I know when she fully steps into her worth…
she shines ✨
the take away? you are worth the work. be scared & do it anyway. lead with love & the rest will fall into place.
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