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February 15, 2021

my body is a gift.

but I didn’t always treat it that way. for years I abused it. talked down to it. punished it with my words with sprints with weights with food or lack thereof. I lived in a reality that was chosen for me. by society. by the patriarchy. the misogyny. by those who profit off of women living in fear.

I would wake up each morning lift my shirt & see if my stomach was flat enough to eat the yolks of my eggs. to determine if I would do 30 or 45 minutes of cardio after an hour of weights & 15 minutes of abs.

I would look at myself in the mirror & curse my legs. they were too short. too muscular. I cursed the skin on my stomach my back my face my arms. too bumpy. too flabby. I cursed my breasts. too small. too ordinary.

I spent the first 24 years of my life at war with my body.

when I forced it to run to jump to lift to push & it did everything I asked — I told my body it still wasn’t good enough. it wasn’t losing the weight I wanted in the place I needed. I wasn’t working out for fun. this wasn’t for nourishment. my body didn’t deserve that. not until the weight was lost the skin was clear the clothes fit & I could look in the mirror without breaking.

I moved my body to sweat off the shame. I dressed my body to cover up the lack. I spoke to my body to judge to pick apart to get the message across that it still wasn’t enough.

&& day after day I wondered why. why isn’t my body doing what I want it to? why can’t I just be thinner but also curvy but also strong but also lean?

I cried through my nights & smiled through my days. I binged I purged I pushed I broke I shattered over & over & over.

I lived my life in the vibration of shame. of judgement. of guilt. of fear.

until one day. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was slowly, but surely — killing myself. I was lifeless. a shell of a human disguised as someone who loved health & fitness.

I didn’t know what to do. how to heal. to repair the damage from a decade of hate & self loathing.

but I decided to try. I decided to choose again, this time with love > fear.

to be continued...


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