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December 13, 2020

my 26th year reflection from this morning:

I’m trying to look back, feel back, to when it was I changed & became who I am today. because, I’m so different. I’m more myself than ever living in a 180° turn from who I used to be. this scares me. it makes me want to remember the moment, the moments. when I shed the sh*t that wasn’t serving me & chose again. how did I get here? when did I get here? but I keep coming up short. I know I worked really hard. I remember the work. the tears. placing my hand on my heart & surrendering to the universe. I remember the days I couldn’t get out of bed & the days I was a walking ray of sunshine. I remember it all but I can’t seem to remember when the change came.

I guess it’s because the change isn’t the point. it’s not about the end result — but about the process. the journey. the change came slowly but surely because I took each day as a new opportunity to honor what I needed. it wasn’t one moment it was every moment.

it was day by day. choice by choice.

this gives me hope. because yet again I feel that itch. that longing for change. part of me is angry. part of me is scared. why can’t I just be content? why can’t I just be okay? why do I continue to go through existential crisis after breakdown after meltdown? I’m starting to think that’s my purpose. to keep breaking. rebuilding. & I know it’s time to not only accept this, but embrace it. because it doesn’t have to happen today or tomorrow. I have every day for the rest of my life to continue on this journey. the one that leads me to my best self. my highest self.

today that itch for change doesn’t feel so scary anymore. today I’m happy that this life of mine has shown me that the only way to chose love > fear is to keep going. no matter how hard it feels.

27, I’m ready for you.


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