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November 5, 2021

I had an eating disorder for close to 7 years. I was bulimic. I restricted. binged. purged. counted. measured. weighed. ran for hours squatted til my knees were weak & crunched til it hurt to cough.

I had an all or nothing mindset. I was on the pursuit of perfection. I was living in a reality where self hate was all I knew. I was traveling on a timeline headed toward self destruction & felt as though I had no way out.

I remember being that version of me. lonely. sad. scared. days filled with fear. smiles painted on. laughter forced to keep things comfortable.

food was anything but nourishment. food was punishment. food was the enemy. food was a weapon. my body was the target.

how could it not be? with the way society made it out to be?

— with magazine headlines splaying it’s newest fad diet “how to lose 15 lbs in 4 days” in every check out line

— with fitness influencers sharing their calories & macros, how they cut carbs with ease & the best workout to have a slim waist & big booty

— with @barstoolsports promoting their smoke show of the week (& yes I was one of them back in the day *cringe*) displaying only the best of the best photos a girl has to offer

— with apps like @facetune not only allowing but encouraging us to tweak twist pinch smooth & contort ourselves into what society deems “best”

how, in the motherfcking world were/are those things supposed to make us feel?

it’s been a long road to recovery. & while my battle with ED has come to an end my battle with perfection remains.

the good news?

I’m here. doing the work. creating boundaries. asking for help. seeking guidance both from my higher self & the healers around me. taking care of my body my mind my soul. reprogramming the beliefs & narratives that keep me small, living in fear. & doing a damn good job considering the world around us.

the toxic thoughts that used to run my life are now red flag signs that I am misaligned.

because mindfulness is the catalyst for change. because awareness provides opportunity — to choose again.

so, wherever you are today I invite you to zoom out. look how far you’ve come!

who you are today is who you used to dream of being. how beautiful 🕊


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