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January 25, 2021

I got carried away. in healing others. in showing the beauty of the work. and how to choose again. and how to find joy. I spent so much time forcing myself to be in alignment with that person — the one who is doing all the right things — that I missed the opportunities to continue my own healing. I ignored the discomfort. I skipped steps. I blew right through the pivotal learning moments that were intentionally placed in my path.

&& so now they are here. whether I like it or not. in my face. loud. big. scary. heavy. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t ignore. I can’t suppress. I can’t outrun. I can’t keep filling my days with work & to do’s to avoid the inevitable.

I am being forced to slow down yet again. to look at them — my shadows. my trauma. my triggers. sometimes I curse this life of mine because it feels like every time things get really good. really exciting. really juicy — darkness comes knocking.

& while I may wish it were different for me. it’s not. this is my path. & for a long time I leaned into it. I went seeking out my shadows. looking for what I could heal next. what else could I discover? what else could I bring to light? but this work is draining. it’s exhausting. && for the past few months I’ve been avoiding it.

because when I find some part of me that needs healing — it usually requires breaking. shattering. cracking wide open so that I can rebuild — stronger better wiser lighter new.

there is no outrunning our healing. there is no evolution, no transformation, no rebranding, no next best version — if we aren’t willing to see what it is we are breaking free from.

so don’t skip the steps. don’t ignore the heavy the sticky the triggers. because they are showing us what parts of our soul need love & attention.

while this week was going to be one spent creating something new & fun — it is clear the universe had other plans. & even though I’ve never felt so much fear & resistance to my own healing — I know it is time to surrender again.

grateful for you all. sending my love 🕊


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